Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Randomize
