My girlfriend figured out who you are.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
