Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
