Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
