All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
We smell like vodka and hangover
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
