Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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