We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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