I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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