I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
