i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he thought i was a dude.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
