Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
