Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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