whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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