i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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