I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
