My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
