My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
