My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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