Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
