Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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