I queefed so loud it echoed.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
