I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
