Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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