aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
