so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
