I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
