he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
