I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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