I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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