I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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