Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
