His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
