TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
