If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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