I feel like I'm in dance class right now
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
