Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
