sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
