i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Randomize
