you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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