Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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