I wish I only lived at night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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