I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
