I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
