Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
