This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
