I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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