You smell like a Billy Joel song
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Randomize
