the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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