Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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