yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
My liver just broke up with me...
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
